Sydney

Part 1

Dear Observer,

This is my first ever written piece that I dare to publish. I have always felt compelled to write and share my internal world with others, but I never thought I would express myself through fiction until recently. If I'm honest (and I can be cringingly honest), it's technically some non fiction molded into existence through a fictional portal. I don't appreciate limits, so from time to time I may write fictional stories, just express some thoughts on a particular subject, or pose some questions for your own pondering pleasure.

I love to think, and think deeply. I love to question and analyze anything and everything that I find attractive to the extreme. Never wanting to be caught off guard, I thrive on expansion through thought and delight in the depths of those dopamine hits I receive when new neural networks fire into creation. As I'm sure you may know, the creative process can be frustrating and even outright painful, but the perseverance is worth it.

I think every story has at least one a song flowing through it, setting the tone for the ride. In this case though, I have chosen two. One for listening to while reading through the story that I placed at the beginning, and one for the departure to mull things over at the end, if you wish.

I would like to express my gratitude to the most amazing husband anybody could wish for. He has been encouraging me to start writing for a while. I would also like to thank my friend Will Dearborn who tipped me over the edge with inspiration without even knowing it. You can find his great work here : https://substack.com/@willdearborn.

I hope you enjoy this experience through my mind, but if not, then I'm okay with not being your flavor, and I wish you all the best on your adventures.

Thank you for your precious time.

Much love,

Cirinde

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Sydney

Part 1

I'm not really sure when I first became aware that she even existed, but it was before she became really clear to me. I already knew that she was there, but my conscious awareness was numb to her so I couldn't see her... or maybe I just denied her existence so I could cope with mine.

The first time I became truly aware of her was during my final Reiki class a couple of years back. We had been led into a deep meditation through a tranquil forest walk, each taking our own paths into the stillness. Along the way, I came across this peculiar scenic looking pool in the middle of a clearing. It was a sizable teardrop shape with an easy beachy shoreline access, lovingly presenting itself to me. Naturally it was decorated with rocks and plants that engulfed it like a cozy shawl. The entire area was so encased by trees, I'm surprised I found this place at all. It seemed oddly out of place, but I knew I was there for at least one reason. It felt right.

Just off to the left, behind the rocks, I saw a shadowy movement. I immediately knew I wasn't alone, but I was weirdly unafraid and rather curious. It took a while, but the more I focused in, the more I realized I was seeing a little girl who appeared to be about eight years old. She was trying to hide, but it was clear that she wanted me to find her.

I lightly walked forward towards the pool, removed my shoes and made myself comfortable on the sand. I couldn't remove my eyes from her for fear that she wasn't real, and would some how disappear. I could see that she wanted to trust me, so badly, but it was almost an impossible feat for her. It took a tremendous amount of coaxing, but eventually, with great reluctance, she stumbled out from behind her temporary safe haven. Shoulders slumped forward, eyes to the ground.

She wore a tight black T-shirt with a print of a large silver star in the center of her chest, and a smaller version on her right capped sleeve. A black mini skirt and 16 up Doc Martins completed the ensemble. Her long, drab curls looking like they had been dyed one too many times flowed just past her shoulders and covered most of her face. Legs smudged with dirt and bruises, she looked like she hadn't seen water in a while. A dirty, dark gray teddy bear at least half her size was been dragged against its will beside her. That poor filthy thing was missing an eye; stuffing oozing out and falling to the ground as she moved. Oh and that look of such dejection on her face! It was heartbreaking to witness. She wouldn't look at me, but tentatively sat down next to me on the shore.

“What happened to you?” I hesitantly asked. My eyes hot with tears and throat tight.

This is going to be excruciating.

She finally looked at me with eyes as dark as the 3 am sky, and I instantly melted into her abyss.

I found myself in pitch black darkness. There was nothing that existed, no light, no form of any kind, no sound. It was deafening and claustrophobic. I started to panic as my fear grew rapidly, becoming denser and denser.

Where am I? Is anybody here? What the fuck is going on? Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Hhhheeeeelllllllloooooo?

Only the sound of my own thoughts.

After what felt like eons, this thick, dense smoke started to appear a couple of feet in front of me. A form of a human looking man began to congeal and my stomach clenched with uneasiness. He was huge, greasy and vile. The stench coming off of him was worse than the tang of a dead corpse. This malicious male seethed with rage and it was clear he was looking to devour in order to sate that bottomless pit within him.

“Wh... who the hell are you? What do you wa... want?”

He roared with amusement.

This massive meat hook of a hand shot out and grab me around my entire neck, lifted me up and squeezed hard.

“Shut up you little bitch! I will eat you alive!” His eyes glistened with fury.

Wwhhhaaatt...

I couldn't breathe. My sight was fading. Dense static became the loudest, most distorted bass that you can imagine and it reverberated through my entire body.

Sweet, blessed darkness poured over me like hot pitch... and then nothing...

Scene after scene of hundreds of depictions of the most toxic masculine energy in some form or another taking its vengeance out in the most horrendous of ways on a broken female that dared to birth them into existence, only to selfishly reject them. I saw no perpetrators where I went, just an endless loop of victims tormenting one another, and I wept in silence for every single one of them. I was all of those women. We were them, they were us. I was her, she was me...

Instant nausea completely overwhelmed me as the implications of all I had just experienced hit me and drove me back to the shore as I retched up everything that consumed me.

Oh my fucking god...

In a rush I began to remember who she was... this little girl was my fractured inner child that I had unknowingly left behind the day I departed the country of my birth. The day I had left behind every bit of my old life. She was all that the world had used, abused and spat out without a care. An innocent being that had blinked into awareness in the darkness and screamed herself into existence through the dingiest of places to where she was sitting right now.

How the hell didn't she manage to endure all of that and still want to even exist? Why would she choose to carry on? …

… because we all need love... otherwise we are stuck here in a perpetual cycle. We have to find the love so we can heal and move on... none of us know who started this, but we all need to end it...

I hauled her into my lap, engulfed her in my arms so tightly and sobbed my guts out.

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I'm sorry... I m sorry... I'm sorry...

I rocked her back and forth, refusing to let her go for even a second. I held her until our cries turned into whimpers and we could finally breathe freely again.

Breathe, breathe, breathe...

After some time a few words were murmured between us and the denseness began to lift. The more we spoke, the more we both relaxed and after a while, there was a little eye contact. Surprisingly, even a few smiles were exchanged. The whole place seemed to light up more and more the longer we were there interacting. I could feel this fullness begin to bloom inside my heart. I couldn't remember the last time I felt this way. It felt foreign to me it had been so long. This was a place of healing. This meeting was fated to happen.

“How did you manage to find me?”

She blinked up at me and whispered, “Your heart called me here”...

I think we both realized that this encounter was nothing short of a miracle. The relief we both felt in that moment was staggering.

“Should we jump in and go for a swim?” I asked her as I rang my thumb over her right cheek, wiping away the tears. She nodded her head excitedly and beamed the biggest smile I had ever seen at me. We dive bombed in as fast as we could.

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! The bliss was like nothing I have ever imagined. It felt like every ounce of heaviness that was once alive in me was instantly erased. A part of me had returned, and what never belonged to me to begin with had left in a flash. I felt a little more whole than I did before.

The water was luminously opalescent and alive. The energy of all the pale colors energetically swirling around one another was an awe inspiring sight. The temperature was perfect. I wouldn't even have known that I was immersed in it if it wasn't for the movement of it over my skin. I still wonder if it was even water at all. I'm not really sure what is was...

“Would you like to fly with me?”

That came out of nowhere.

I'm not really sure why I asked her that, but the feeling was overwhelming and it felt right to ask. She immediately swam over and flung her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. Safe and secure on my back, we bolted out of the water at a rapid speed and began to ascend high up into the sky. We whooshed back down towards the ground, almost landing but then at the last split second, we shot back up into the air. This was the most fun I had had in a very long time, and I could tell that she felt the same way as she giggled manically. She was glowing.

After a short while, we landed back down softly on the ground and she hesitantly released me. We both knew the time had come to part ways, but we also knew that we would never really be apart again. She asked me if I would spend a little time with her in the future, and I reassured her that I would do my best to connect with her when I could. We both needed to spend some quality time together, to rebuild trust and integrate, but now it was time for us to move on, so we could both continue to heal and forge our own paths.

Comforted in knowing that she wouldn't have to return to anywhere quite so dark anymore, the vision faded out. I realized that I didn't even ask for her name. I didn't feel like it was important at the time. After all, I know exactly who she was, who she is, and who she will become is the making. Little did I know that her name would be revealed to me a few years later when we would reconnect through a very lucid dream.

I love you, little goth girl. You are forever a part of me, so you will never really be alone. My eternal love to you.